The "Let Go's" That I am Letting Go at 45
As of yesterday, I am +1, I still can’t believe that I am halfway through Club Forty!!! While I write this article, I am still at that moment where I am trying to digest the realization that I have arrived at the mid-life crossroad in my life.
But rather than overthinking of the downside of getting another year older, I want to focus on the positive aspects of being old. As they say, we age not by years, but by stories. So, as I start, with my Chapter 45, I want to recognize all the blessings that I have. Though, life has been busy, crazy and stressful at times, I am extremely grateful for what I am, who I am and most especially for making it through! At this point, a woman of my age would have had many experiences (good or bad) which help her understand better of how this whole life thing works.
For the past couple of years, posting a birthday blog has been one of my ways of celebrating my day. And for this year (though this post came up later than usual), I feel that each time we celebrate our birthday, we should also take time to check in with ourselves and discern on which questionable or unhealthy behavior we should start letting go. So, in this post, I’d like to share my personal list of a few things that in my opinion I need to let go, now that I’ve reached this age.
This is 45… and these are the “let go’s” that I want to let go of (so far):
Being afraid of the unknown
It is true that no one can guarantee our tomorrow, one day my physician can suddenly tell me that I am sick, however, I can’t spend my life thinking the possibility that it can happen. Now that I may just have 30+ years (or less) to live, I want to live my life to the best of my ability, I will try doing things outside my comfort zone and continue moving on. The outcome of the decisions that I’ll make may not always be what I expected but what’s more important is that I wouldn’t add more items into my “Have I known…”, “If only…” or “I should have…” list because of my fear of what “might” happen.
Believing that you can be happy “when”
At this age, people of my age probably have a stable source of income and have their own house, a car or two or maybe are able to buy those luxury bags or shoes, when I was younger, I always have that “when I have this… I will be really happy. We are fond of doing that, it’s like putting conditions to our happiness. “I will be happy when I…” But whether this statement ends with getting “a bigger house,” or “a fully-loaded car,” or “the dream job,” or “true love,” we are setting our self into delayed happiness and gratification. A lot of us are guilty with this “I’ll be happy when,” but once we reached that situation where we thought we’ll be already happy, we’ll for sure want to be in another situation. I want to stop putting conditions to my happiness, I once read a clinical psychologist said that “the way we feel right now shouldn’t be a result of what we believe is happening in the future. We should start seeing success as a lifestyle, not a destination, so that you can finally be happy now—wherever you are in life. (Dr. Natalia Peart)
Assuming you can’t do a lot of things
I was 40 when I started to actually believe in myself more. If I will have a chance to live my life again, I promise I will be more confident of my abilities and capabilities. It is only when I started to assume that I can do more and recognize that my hard work will take care of the rest that I started to fully recognize that I am better than I thought I am.
Carrying grudge
At this stage in life, I want to focus on things that brings value to me, so, I want to let go of those that don’t serve a purpose to me, just like grudges. Grudges are proof of what we have suffered, a way to remind others and ourselves of our pain and deservingness. We’re perpetuating our own suffering if we continue to hold on to them.
Falling in a sunk cost fallacy
We all have that investment that we incurred and can’t be recovered. Do a quick inventory of what you have, you’ll find that you are keeping a lot of things and relationships just because you have already invested time, effort, or money into it, regardless if the current costs outweigh the benefits. I want to do myself a favor, I am cleaning up a lot of things – those pile of clothes in my closet that I haven’t worn for a long time now, that app subscription that I hardly use as well as that friendship that takes way more than it gives, they are just taking up space and I don’t really need to keep them. I now have limited time in this world, I don’t need to keep those things and relationships that don’t add value to my life.
Taking your relationship/s for granted
The past couple of years made us realized that you never know when the last goodbye is. So why don’t we do something each day that will show the people dear to us how much we love them, let’s make time for our parents, our siblings, our children, our friends and most especially for our partner. If there’s one relationship advice that I can give, that will be prioritize your relationship and let everything else fall behind it. Because when you’re in your 40s, you will realize that if your relationship is not nurtured and is unhappy, so will your life be.
Scrimping on things you’ve grown to value
With age and experience comes wisdom, by now you would have realized that you should not scrimped on, I believe that this is something that is unique to each of us because it depends on our personal preferences and our lifestyle. I used to be someone who is buying everything cheap. But skimping led me to a lot of disappointments and resentments. Now, be it in my clothes, my beddings, my shoes or on my skin care, I make sure that I invest time in finding the good qualities. Yet finding good deal is really great way to save but now that I’ve reached this stage of life, I realized that with most things, quality comes with a price.
Not telling what you want
“If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.” As a rule of thumb, regardless of what aspect in our life, the kind of situation that we are and will involve us stepping out there and asking for what we want. I am the type of person who don’t really speak about what I want because I am afraid of getting answers that I don’t want to hear. But if you’ll ask me now, I say that the most important place to ask is in our most intimate relationships, let’s stop assuming that those we are in a relationship with should somehow know what we want without us asking. Get real about what you want and say it.
Not knowing when to say “no”
We all want being liked by the people around us, but at 40 it’s incumbent upon us to realize that doing things even at our own expense just to be liked is an unhealthy behavior. Again, let me remind you that we have limited time and energy, so, we owe it to ourself to use them wisely and knowing how and when to say no will allow us to focus on giving our time and energy to the people and parts of our life that really deserve it.
FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)
In this fast-changing world where social media plays a big part of our day, we unconsciously allow ourself to go with the herd mentality and let our deep-seated FOMO to drive our choices and decisions. At my age now, I’d like to say that this kind of feeling have passed. I am now geared towards focusing on my goals and taking steps towards where I want to go, without trying to keep up with the Jonases.
Resenting other people’s success
At this age, we’ve formed our identity from the narrative we talk about who we are and with the kind of people we surrounded ourselves with. If people around me are thriving, my mantra is “don’t hate, celebrate.” I believe that a person is the average of the people in his networks, because it’s the people closest to us sets our norms. As they become wealthier, fitter and happier, you are more likely to be in the same situation.
Regretting the past
Just like Matt Monroe said- Regrets? I’ve had a few… Yes, I have regrets about my past. I have moments where I can still recall that young woman who made mistakes she deeply regretted, but no matter if its about something she did or someone she trusted, she can’t take it back. All she has now is the present and the lessons she learned from the things that she did or she didn’t do in the past. The person who I am today, would have never committed some of the things that I did in the past, but it is what it is. For now, I need to say goodbye to that woman in her twenties who did things because of ignorance and who didn’t do things because she was afraid. Don’t regret the past… just learn from it.
Letting go can mean differently to each of us and we all have our unique way of doing it. They say, life is like a roller coaster ride, it’s made up of experiences that will give us wisdom if we’ll choose to learn from it, as I face the second half of my life, I would like to think that my past experiences give me a nudge to make decisions based on what happened in the past. So, while I still have time, I want to try to leave the things that will just add weigh to my mental baggage and prioritize making decisions that will allow me to care for my well-being and live the life that I love.
This list is just my personal opinion and it’s not my “be all, end all,” I actually have a longer list than this… but let me save the other items in my future blogs ? l am sure there will be more things that I can put on my list.
… and if you think there’s more that I should add in this list, I’d appreciate it, so feel free to comment below and let me know what else you think should be included.
This is 45. This is me. Now.
Thank you for sticking with me in the past 10 years and I want you to know that I truly appreciate you taking the time to stop by and read what I have here… I said this before and I’ll say it once again, you following this blog fulfilled a young girl’s dream of becoming a “writer.”
I appreciate you all,
